Season's Greetings

It's the Christmas season, and at the same time, it's a transition from my single season to married life. As I leave the single season, there are some things that I will miss--namely the groups of Christian singles I met while I was in my single season. Someone recently joked with me that I "graduated" from the singles group because I got married. It was a funny comment, but not unlike what it really is like to graduate--I liken it to college. While we are in college, we live and do life with others who are at the same stage in life. We cheer for our team. But we know it's temporary, and one day we will no longer be in college. Some breeze through college in no time, while others spend a significant portion of their lives there. When we graduate, we will look back fondly on those years, and we will still cheer for our team, but because we are no longer a student, it's not quite the same. We have moved into a different stage of life. Singleness and marriage really is so similar to college and graduation.

I am fully aware that just because I'm married, it doesn't mean I have all the answers or even that I know what I'm doing. This is definitely not the final destination of any of our lives. All I know is what God has shown me, and what I have experienced. There have been several dating blog posts that I have written over the years that delve deeper into certain issues like dealing with emotional pain, forgiveness, trust, as well as marriage itself. Through my single season, God spoke to me clearer than He ever had before. I also had the opportunity to share what God taught me and minister to others along my journey. As I no longer will have to deal with dating issues in particular, I want to write this blog post to address some of the most common things I would write about and deal with in my Christian singles group.

For me, many of the reasons for not wanting to get married were completely selfish. I didn't want to share; I didn't want to move; I didn't want to cook for him; I don't want to clean up after him. Marriage forces you to not be selfish and invest in someone else. Marriage can't be selfish, and unless I'm willing to allow the Lord to cull out that selfishness, I will always be held back. I also have to remember that marriage isn't the end-all-be-all. It isn't a destination at which we all arrive. Marriage is a journey, and it should be viewed as an extension of your relationship with the Lord--not separately. You only need to get married if you truly desire to have a deeper relationship with the Lord, because that’s the only way a marriage can work. 

Prayer: It all starts with prayer. Get your heart right and repent from your sins, then go to God in prayer. Ask Him to show you your spouse. Ask him to bring that person to you. We have not, because we ask not. James 4:2-3 tells us that we don't have the things we desire because we ask with the wrong motives. The key, therefore, according to scripture, is to explore the motives in your heart--are you wanting to marry someone just because you feel lonely? That's not the right reason to get married--or even to ask for a spouse. That's why you have to repent before you ask.

Healing: You have to receive healing from your past failed relationships before you even think about entering a new one. Hurt people hurt people, and if you are not healed from your past wounds, you will only end up hurting those whom you love and try to love you. Find a Divorce Care class, go through freedom classes like these at Gateway. Allow God to heal you from your emotional pain. It's not easy, but it's necessary to living a whole and complete life.

Freedom: You have to deal with the pain not only from past relationships, but from the lies you have believed from the devil. Satan loves to lie to us, and he will do it the most when we are already down. If we are not walking in freedom, we won't be able to readily recognize Satan's lies. I lived most of my life believing lies of the enemy. We have to experience freedom in the Lord so we can see the Truth, so we can experience the Truth and walk in the Truth. And again, freedom is a process--not a destination at which we arrive.

Expectations: If you have expectations, you will be disappointed. Period. Every date, every potential date, you should go in to it with the expectation of making a friend. That's it. So many people get overexcited and put too many expectations on their date. Questions start swarming--will this be "the one"? Will he want to take me out again? Will he be my boyfriend? Will he call or text tomorrow? Stop with the expectations. Most importantly, be open to it not working out--because it probably won't. It's a numbers game. I have probably gone on 30 first dates in my life. I've married two of them, and one of those marriages ended horribly. So that's 1 for 30. Twenty nine of those first dates didn't work out. You have to be open to it not working out--because the numbers aren't on your side. Be pleasantly surprised when it does work out, and you won't be so disappointed.

Dating: Don't take everything so seriously. It's a date--it's not a proposal. You aren't pledging your undying love to someone. You are eating a meal or getting coffee with someone. Everyone has to eat, so talk to someone new while doing it. If you enjoy the person's company, do it again. So many people put too much pressure on a date--bringing gifts, dressing up, spending a ton of money. None of those things have to occur. Just get to know someone. So often, I would see friends and other singles say they wouldn't go on a date with someone unless they already knew the person. Then what's the point of a date, then?

Guard your Heart: Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our heart. This means to protect your heart from those around you. You don't give your heart to just anyone.

Our lives are a process. We so often want to arrive at a destination--especially when we are single. So many singles want to be married and think that's the destination. It isn't--heaven is our final destination. Remember to enjoy the process and enjoy getting to know people and making friends on this amazing journey called life.

Can't Stop the Pain

Several years ago, I broke my ankle at Hawaiian Falls. How I broke my ankle is horrifically embarrassing, and I will only tell close friends the actual story. Following the incident, I thought I was ok, even though I could hardly walk on it. The bottom line is that I'm cheap: I didn't want to pay money to go to the ER, and I didn't want to have to pay for a doctor's visit just for them to tell me everything is fine. Except it wasn't fine. Over the next few weeks, the pain increased, and I knew something was definitely wrong. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was told that a piece of my ankle bone had chipped off, and it had already started to fuse back together incorrectly. The only way to fix it was to have surgery. That was a big "nope" from me. There was no way I was paying money for surgery to fix a tiny chip on my ankle, and even then, there was no guarantee I would ever be pain-free.

This physically painful incident taught me much more than to just go ahead and go to the ER when I hurt myself. The lingering pain and the aches I feel when the weather changes taught me about what happens to us when we ignore not just our physical pain, but our emotional pain as well. When we hurt ourselves physically, we understand that there will be pain. We know that we need to go see a doctor and get stitches, bones set, or we may even need surgery. We understand that there is a healing process we must undertake to make our bodies whole again.

In the summer of '99, I nearly cut my left index finger off at the first knuckle joint. I immediately went to the ER (this time!) to get stitches. The pain of the lidocaine needle was worse than the steak knife that sliced through my tissue and tendons. I remember writhing in pain when the doctor crammed that needle into my wound. However, I understood this additional pain as part of the healing process. I didn't want to have to get the stitches--or the eventual surgery--but I wanted to be healed and put back together more than the ensuing pain. I had to endure the needle, the surgery, the rehab, so that I would heal properly. If I refused to take any of these steps, I would never regain the proper use of my index finger.

We understand the pain and healing process with our physical bodies, but most of us will do anything and everything to avoid the pain of emotional healing. Why should it be any different? When we experience emotional pain, we want it to go away at all costs. We turn to the bottle. We turn to pills. We turn to sex. We turn to porn. We turn to food. We turn to our phones. All of those things give us instant gratification--it makes us feel better in the moment. Each one of these things helps us take our minds off the emotional pain we are experiencing. Why in the world do we not think to go to the ER and the Doctor when we experience emotional pain? Stripping our hurts down to the bone is gut-wrenching--just like setting a broken bone. But we would all be more than willing to get a broken bone set. How many people would actually say, "Nah, Doc. I think I'll just let my tibia stay outside my shin the rest of my life. I can just cover it up with my pants, and it will feel better eventually"? That would be ludicrous.

The bottom line is that when we get hurt, it hurts even more to be healed. We have to be willing to feel the secondary hurt in order to heal. If we face our emotional pain in the same way we face our physical pain, imagine the healing that could take place in our souls! Our thought process must change from, "I'm hurt, so I want to feel better," to, "This is going to hurt to dig out all the pain, but it will be worth it so I can heal and actually be better." When we go to the Lord as our emotional doctor, and the Bible as our emotional ER, then we are able to be fully healed. When Isaiah writes in Isaiah 53:5 that "by His wounds, we are healed," why do we think it's only our physical healing? God is our Jehovah Rapha--the God who heals--there isn't a caveat that says "Sorry, only physical healing." He can heal anything--physical or emotional. So let Him, because we can't stop the pain on our own.

Believing isn't Enough

If you've been around children any amount of time, you know just how gullible and naïve they are. Kids will readily believe anything, simply because you tell them it's true. Eyes bulge in awe as they say, "Really?" wanting to know more. Prime examples are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. This child-like wonder fades the older we get, and we no longer take things at face value. We lose our innocence, and we start to question what we are told.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3 that we need to become child-like in our faith in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. We need to believe in the Lord without all the complications life throws at us, which is hard to do. We go through hurt and rejection. We lose those we love; we experience life. We realize that head-knowledge is not heart-knowledge. It becomes less easy to just believe in the Lord's goodness. Through the rollercoaster of life, this verse reminds us to believe and be saved. Just believe.

In Acts 16, it seems it is just that simple--believe. The jailers asked Paul and Silas what they must do to be saved, and in verse 31, Paul responds, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household." This verse makes it seem like the simple act of believing is all we need to do.

But it isn't quite so simple. It's not enough to simply believe. There are people who call themselves "Believers" instead of Christians. I get what they are trying to say--that they believe in Jesus; they believe in the gospel. They believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God who died for our sins. What I take issue with is that Satan was a "believer" too. He believed in Who Jesus was. He talked with Jesus in the desert. He knew (not merely believed) that Jesus is the King, the Holy One. Satan knows that Jesus tore the veil and conquered sin and grave.

So again, it is not enough to just believe. Going back to Matthew 18:3, Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." The key word there is "change," which in some versions, it is translated as "converted." Although in Acts 16, it doesn't specifically say the jailers were "converted" or "changed," their subsequent actions following their decision to believe make it clear there was a change of heart--they practically helped Paul and Silas get out of jail.

Romans 10:9 gives it to us a little more clearly: "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." This scripture is the crux of salvation, which is that in addition to believing, we must also declare that Jesus is Lord. This is where Satan's belief veers away from ours. He refuses to declare that Jesus is Lord, and he refuses to submit himself to the Lord. These are two things we must do in order to "convert" or "change." We have to declare that Jesus is Lord. We have to allow Him to rule and reign over our lives. When we do that, we will turn away from our sinful lives, and we will be able to fully believe in Jesus and all of the promises God has given us in His Word. Do more than believe.

Dating is a Struggle

Dating is a struggle. I know I'm not alone in that struggle, either. For many Christian singles, dating is just plain difficult--especially post-divorce. Dating in my teens and 20's was much more simple. We were young, wild and reckless. We didn't have mortgages and 401k's. There weren't the constraints of kids and carting them to and from practices, rehearsals, recitals and games. Nowadays, if he has kids too, that means trying to mesh both sets of kids' schedules. It means weaving 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends with 2nd and 4th weekend visitation schedules. It's just a logistical nightmare.

Logistics isn't the only thing that makes dating at this stage in life difficult. It's finding a person with whom we are compatible. Someone who enjoys the same things we do; someone whom we like being around, and someone who is emotionally healthy. We have all experienced hurt and rejection, and we are all on a different path to healing and forgiveness for those past pains. I've met many people who are perfectly happy wallowing in their own misery and have no intention of getting out. I had one man tell me that he could "never forgive his ex-wife" for what she had done, and another who said he could never forgive himself for what he had done. Some people are so bitter, angry and unwilling to forgive that it keeps them from fulfilling their God-given purpose. For others, a lack of identity could be keeping them single--or at least keeping them from finding a lasting, loving relationship. For others, it's just about waiting for God's timing.

I know I have forgiven the people in my past for what they have done, and I know I'm not bitter or angry. I have also forgiven myself for my part in the demise of my marriage and other failed relationships. God actually spoke to me recently about complete forgiveness, and I wrote about it. My struggles also have nothing to do with my identity. I know who I am in Christ. As I deny myself and take up my cross daily, I am growing ever closer to God in an intimate relationship with Him. I'm not saying I am perfect, and I'm definitely not saying that I don't have more work to do on myself. I know that there are still a lot of things in my life left to be culled out, and there are parts of me that God still needs to hone. 

With that being said, as I’ve been dating the last few years after my divorce, I've found it difficult to define what I actually want. I bounce between wanting to get married this summer to never wanting to get married again and everything in between. My ex-husband tore down my identity through emotional and verbal abuse, and I thought at many points in my marriage I was going crazy. I was so broken when we separated that the only place I had to turn was up. God has done a miraculous work in me, and the evidence of His hand on my life the past five years is clear. I most definitely am a new creation in Christ.

But do I truly want to be re-married? A part of me emphatically says, "Yes!" I want my children to see a Godly example of who a man should be, as well as what a Godly marriage should be. I want my "person." I want a shoulder to cry on, and I want to be able to be that for him, as well. I want someone to love and respect. I want to grow a deep, ever-lasting love that is only possible through a Christ-centered marriage. On the other hand, a part of me wants to focus on my kids. I'm so busy right now, I can't imagine adding a boyfriend or husband to my list of responsibilities. And I don't want to share my house with anyone--especially the bathroom. I don't want to move; I don't want to share. I enjoy being by myself without having to answer to anyone. And I really like the fact that we can eat cereal for dinner whenever I want to. 

This dichotomy, however, hasn't kept me from dating or meeting people. Over the past few years, God has put some amazing Christian men in my life to show me what a real man is supposed to be. Each man I’ve dated has had a couple of the qualities I eventually want in a husband. God has used each of these men to teach me something about men, about life and about myself. Steve was the smartest, funniest man I have ever met. He taught me how emotionally healthy adults are supposed to interact with one another. Ryan had the most gentle spirit, and was the most kind man I have ever met. He taught me that a man could be gentle as a lamb, yet strong as a lion at the same time. Fred had a relationship with the Lord unlike any man I have ever met. He knew the Lord's voice, and could impart to me the Lord's wisdom in the most loving way. Robert was secure yet vulnerable at the same time. He showed me his heart, and he saw me for who God created me to be. He spoke life into me when I needed it the most. 

The last guy I was talking to showed me that I deeply desire a Godly marriage. Going in to dating him, I was really questioning whether or not I even wanted to date anyone at all--much less get married any time in the near future. I just wasn't sure if I was up for the emotional investment it would take to create a relationship. I stepped into it with low expectations, but still hoping for the best. While we liked each other a lot, neither of us were truly invested in what we were doing, and it showed me what I truly desire. I really do want a man who is 100% all about me and is willing to put his heart on the line for me, or as the kids would say, that he's willing to risk it for the biscuit. 

The bottom line is you can’t discount dating or the struggles of dating. You have to look at every person you meet as a learning experience. Each one of the aforementioned men showed me something I desire--humor and intelligence, someone who is strong, yet gentle, someone who is secure, yet willing to be vulnerable. Someone who will not just show me his heart, but give it to me. Someone who can see me, know me and speak life into me. Every one of my dating "struggles," I choose to see as learning and growing opportunities. Because every "no" takes me one step closer to the "yes."

*names have been changed to protect the innocent. lol

Learning Styles are God's Speaking Styles

As an educator for 15 years, I have learned a lot about learning styles--or more accurately, I have been forced into professional development sessions where the topic is learning styles. A learning style is the preferred method of absorbing, processing and retaining information. The first time I heard about learning styles, with an eye-roll and a sigh, I thought it was a bunch of hog-wash. The more I learned about it, however, the more merit I found in learning styles. It made me realize why I can't focus on a speaker's words unless I am taking notes or doodling. It made me realize why I hated listening to directions, and I just wanted someone to hand it to me so I could read it myself. It's because I'm a visual learner--processing auditory information has always been difficult for me.

Depending on which list you look at, there are several categories into which learning styles can be broken down. The easiest is to break it down into three categories: visual, auditory and kinesthetic.

• Visual: using pictures, words, images and reading as a primary source of gathering information.
• Auditory: learning through hearing, listening and music
• Kinesthetic/Tactile: learning by doing, feeling and experiencing

These three primary learning styles were first brought into popular education models by Walter Burke Barbe in the late 1970's. It is said that a student's preferred learning style will have a significant influence on both his/her learning and behavior. Teachers, therefore, should match learning strategies with the student's preferred learning style in order to increase comprehension and motivation. The shift in education over the past few decades to accommodate students in their preferred learning styles has been profound. Most modern high school students would be able to readily tell you their preferred learning style. If you would like to figure out your learning style, you can take this Learning Style Assessment.

Digging a little bit deeper, a more comprehensive list will divide out these three primary learning styles into more specific categories:

• Visual/spatial: using pictures, images, and spatial understanding.
• Verbal/linguistic: using words, both in speech and writing.
• Auditory/musical: using sound and music.
• Logical/mathematical: using logic, reasoning and systems.
• Kinesthetic/Tactile: using your body, hands and sense of touch.
• Interpersonal: preference is to learn in groups or with other people.
• Intrapersonal: preference is to work alone and use self-study.

I'm sure that you can identify with at least one of these learning styles as you were reading them. Our learning style makes us even more unique individuals, especially when learning styles are combined with one another--no two people learn the exact same way. I am a visual learner, but I'm also verbal and logical. One afternoon as I was praying, and God revealed to me something amazing--He speaks to us in our learning styles!

I have never been one to "hear God's voice." I've never heard an audible voice from heaven come down and talk to me. For a large portion of my life, I thought this was how God spoke. Everyone always talked about "hearing God's voice," and I didn't hear Him in this manner, so I thought God just didn't speak to me.

When God showed me that He can speak in more ways than a voice, it was an absolute revelation. Most of the time, God shows me pictures. As I try to understand the picture, He reveals to me what He wants me to understand. This matches perfectly with my visual learning style and verbal strengths. For an example of how God shows me pictures and then unravels them, read Mashed Potatoes or Dancing with Jesus. He's shown me red carpets, boats on the lake, tile flooring, purple irises, horse on the beach, and many more pictures--all of which, once unraveled, the picture was exactly what God wanted to tell me.

So let's look at the learning styles and how God might speak to you using your specific learning style.

• Visual/spatial: look for God to give you visions and pictures. Look for God in things you see, then ask God to show you meaning in what you see.
• Verbal/linguistic: God will speak to you through the reading of His Word, through the words of other people, through blogs, sermons and other written media.
• Auditory/musical: God speaks to you through worship and music. You will literally hear His voice--probably even audibly.
• Logical/mathematical: God will speak to you through science, through the perfectness of His creation, through numbers and logic.
• Kinesthetic: You will experience God through feeling and touching. This is the goose-bumps you feel when you're in His presence. You will get "impressions" and feelings that you need to say or do something. You probably have said, "I feel like God is saying..."
• Interpersonal: As an extrovert, you will feel refreshed, both emotionally and spiritually by spending time with other like-minded Christians. You will enjoy talking and sharing your experiences with others.
• Intrapersonal: As in introvert, you will get more from the Word of God by reading and studying on your own. Spending time with God alone will make you feel recharged and ready to face your battles with the Lord on your side.

Why would we ever want to limit our omniscient, omnipotent God by putting Him in a box when it comes to His voice? If He can breathe the world into existence, He can speak to anyone in any way He wants, whether it's a burning bush or a still, quiet voice.

At the Water's Edge

The sun slowly drops into the water, and feeble rays of sunlight cast long shadows of masts and sails on the rickety dock. The breeze coming off the water gently cools my sun-burned face. I close my eyes, and I drink in the humid air. I should have gone in hours ago, but there’s something about being right next to the water that draws me in, that beckons me to stay.

So many of life’s lessons can be learned at the edge of a dock. Watching the gentle waves reminds me of the Lord’s goodness. His lovingkindness never ends, and He will wash over me wave after wave. When I make a mistake, He doesn’t change—the waves don’t stop—I do. I have to make sure I don’t stop, because I have to trust that He won’t.

The tremendous power of the water reminds me how small and insignificant I really am. The only way I can make a substantial change to that expanse of water is repeatedly making consistent movements. If I persevere, then it can take me across the expanse of water where I want to go. If I give up, or if I stop, the water will consume me. In the same way, I also can’t tread water forever. I have to move in one direction or another. If I don’t reach shore at some point, then I will tire out and drown.

And drowning isn’t the only horrific thing that could happen on the water. There are unknown dangers lurking just beneath the surface. Will those dangers—or the possibility of failure—prevent me from jumping in—or trying something new? I have found that the answer must be no. I cannot let hidden dangers—or fear—prevent me from becoming all that God has created me to be.

The steadfastness of the Lord's love, the perseverance I must have, the faith regardless of circumstances are just the few lessons I've learned next to the water. But I don't want to stay next to the water. I want to be called out upon the water. The Hillsong United song, Oceans, speaks about how God "call[s] me out upon the waters/ The great unknown where feet may fail/ And there I find You in the mystery/ In oceans deep/ My faith will stand."

I want the Lord to call me out upon the water, just like He called Peter in Matthew 14. I want to keep my eyes on the Lord. I don't want to be "ye of little faith." I want to be of great faith. When fear surrounds me, I want my gaze affixed to the Lord. When the storm is upon me, I want Jesus to hold out His hand to me and keep me safe. I want to walk in that faith every day. 

Power, Love and a Sound Mind

When confronted with fear, a commonly quoted scripture is 2 Timothy 1:7, "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." It's comforting to know that God has given us these things, and that the fear we feel is not from the Lord. What's even more comforting and cool is when you use a little logic and apply this scripture to other scriptures. Let's examine more closely the three things we are told that God has given us:

Power
Acts 1:8 says that "I shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon me." Then 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that "power is perfected in our weakness." So that means that when the Holy Spirit comes upon me, I am perfected in my weakness and the Holy Spirit is perfected in me as well. Not only am I perfected, but that power--the Holy Spirit--actually is the Kingdom of God on earth. I Corinthians 4:20-21 says that "the kingdom of God does not consist in words, but in power." This means that the kingdom of God is the Holy Spirit. This is further confirmed by Romans 14:17, which says that "the kingdom of God...is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." So therefore, kingdom of God = power = Holy Spirit.

Love
I John 4:8 tells us that "Love is from God," and that "God is love." This is speaking of God the Father. If it were Jesus or the Holy Spirit, then John would have delineated between the three. There are countless scriptures that speak of God's love for us, the most famous is John 3:16, when God the Father gave His Son: "For God so love the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life." But it's so important to remember that it's not only an action the Father shows toward us, but it's who He is. He embodies love. The Father = love.

A Sound Mind
The Greek word used in 2 Timothy for sound mind is sōphronismos. This word means an admonishing or calling to soundness of mind, to moderation and self-control (Strong's). So some translations say "self-control" instead of a sound mind. But let's look at the word sōphronismos a little more deeply. It's a compound word--which is two words put together to make one word. The first part of the Greek word is from sodzo, which means to be delivered or saved. The second part of the word is from phroneo, which refers to a person’s mind, logical thinking, will and emotions. What is our soul comprised of, but our mind, will and emotions. So the word sōphronismos literally means "to save my soul!" Who is the One who came to save my soul? Jesus. A sound mind = Jesus.

The Trinity
So back to 2 Timothy 1:7. We are told that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." When we apply logic to this statement, it tells us that God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but He gave us the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus. When I think about this scripture and the deeper meaning of what God is telling us, it ignites a passion in me that can't be contained. God speaks to us so much more deeply than just the mere words on the page. I am continually in awe of how magnificent and glorious, imaginative and omniscient our God truly is!

Forgiveness

One of the hardest things Jesus ever asked us to do was to forgive those who have hurt us. In our minds, we say, "He hurt me, so he should feel the same pain I am feeling right now." In our human capacity of thinking and feeling, vengeance only seems natural. However, that's not what Jesus did, and that's not grace.

When our enemies hurt us, I feel it is slightly easier to forgive. We expect our enemies to hurt us--we don't like one another, so it stands to reason that we would hurt one another. The need for vengeance is still there, but we can allow ourselves to forgive them just a little bit easier. What's much more difficult is when those whom we love hurt us. We expect so much more from the ones we love. They have given us unspoken promises just by saying the words, "I love you." Inherent in those three little words are so much more: "I will protect you," "I will be faithful to you," "I will think about your needs above my own." When we truly love someone, their hurt is our hurt.

Sometimes when we are aggrieved by those we love, it's completely unintentional. When our loved ones hurt us unintentionally, it's much easier to forgive. In addition, their level of contrition has a direct correlation with our ability to forgive quickly. To take it even a step further, when our loved ones hurt us unintentionally, we sometimes need to examine ourselves--our expectations, our demands, our attitudes--to see if what they said or did should have even hurt us in the first place.

Mikayla made a flippant comment the other day about my weight--a sensitive topic for any woman. It cut to the quick, and emotion quickly rose to my eyes. I looked at her and asked how she could say something like that. Tears welled in her eyes as she realized that her comment was not funny, but hurtful. She immediately apologized and asked for forgiveness. Her brokenness at hurting me endeared her to me even more. It took .087 seconds to forgive her as she climbed into my lap, and I honestly don't even remember the words she said.

Mikayla's immediate compunction made it so easy to forgive her, especially since I knew she didn't mean to hurt me in the first place. But when our loved ones hurt us intentionally, that's when the sting of betrayal, disloyalty and dishonesty hits us the hardest. Sometimes it's not that our loved ones are hurting us on purpose, but the hurt is the unintentional consequences of their intentional actions.

For example, my college boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, who was also my roommate at the time. I don't believe he really intentionally sought out my best friend in order to just hurt me. He intentionally sought her out, but because of his selfishness and lack of love for me, the unintended consequences of his behavior crushed me. Conversely, my ex-husband hurt me many times intentionally. Because of his own brokenness, hurts and need to be loved, he would intentionally say things he knew would deeply wound me. At times, he took great pleasure in causing me emotional pain.

Both of these hurts--intentional hurt and the unintentional consequences of intentional actions are the most difficult to forgive. Forgiveness means that you no longer hold that person responsible for what they did to you. It means that you can release them from their actions, and can no longer be hurt by these actions. Many times, we think we have forgiven, only to be reminded of what that person did. We are then confronted with the anger, hurt and frustration all over again. "I thought I had forgiven him?" we ask ourselves. I know I did. I still do. I know that I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend, as I no longer must see him or deal with him. My ex-husband, however, we must still co-parent our children. I am constantly reminded of the things he did or said. He continues to do and say horrific things to me; he slings accusations; he falsely attacks my character. I have to forgive him not only of those new sins against me, but all of the old hurts and wounds that those new accusations bring back to my mind.

In Matthew 18:21, Peter asks Jesus how many times we are supposed to forgive. Verse 22 says, "Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.'" That's just ridiculous. Do the math on that one--does Jesus literally mean we are supposed to forgive someone 490 times?

What I've learned over the past five years since my divorce is that forgiveness is a process. It's not a one-time occurrence--sometimes it might take 490 times to forgive someone for one offense. The Bible tells us that enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. One of the easiest ways to destroy us is to keep us in bitterness and anger toward other people. Bitterness will eat away at our souls, and it will destroy us from the inside out. In Galatians 5:19-21, anger, discord and dissension are listed right beside sexual immorality, drunkenness and idolatry as sins that will cause lives to be destroyed and an inability to inherit the kingdom of God. Hebrews 12:14-15 tells us to "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." This tells us that we have to be able to get rid of bitterness in order to see the Lord. That's some heavy stuff--I won't be able to be holy or see the Lord if I'm still bitter toward someone? That's a sure-fire way that the enemy can keep me from fulfilling my God-given purpose: keep me bitter.

I have forgiven my ex-husband, and I have to keep forgiving him every day. Every time that I am reminded of something he did or said to me, I have to forgive him all over again. Every time I forgive him for the same grievance, it gets easier and easier. I've probably maxed out that 490 Jesus commanded us to forgive. But I have to walk in forgiveness. I have to choose forgiveness. Every day.

Dancing with Jesus

I wish I were a better dancer than I am, but I definitely got the short-end of the rhythm stick. If I dance with a man who can lead me, then I can do ok, but it still isn't going to look much better than a horse prancing backwards. Maybe my dancing ineptitude is why God chose to speak to me through a dance.

During communion at church the other day, God showed me a picture of me dancing with Jesus. "Stop looking at your feet," Jesus gently whispered in my ear. "But how will I know the steps?" was my incredulous reply. I don't know the steps to any dance, and I always look at my feet—or at least other people's feet—so I can copy them. I kept trying to back away from Jesus so I could look at my feet, watch His feet, and try to follow His steps. It wasn't working. Not once did Jesus get upset with me. His eyes were trained on mine, with a loving smile across his lips. He would nod to me assuringly, and He pressed His hand on the small of my back, bringing me ever closer to Him.

He never lost his patience, and He whispered in my ear, "The closer you are to Me, the less you have to know the steps." I gazed upon His countenance, and He said, "Press into me, and feel the steps." I gave up trying to know the steps and pressed into Him. The closer I got to Him, the less I needed to know the steps--I could literally feel when His muscles moved, so I could instinctively move in a mirrored manner. It made me realize that I don't have to have anything in life figured out if I'm dancing with Jesus and moving when He moves. I have to trust in Him that He will equip me and be my guide. I have to learn to two-step out in faith whether I feel adequate or not.

It’s been said that, “God doesn’t always call the equipped—He equips the called.” Basically, it is saying that God will call you to do something, and you won’t necessarily know what you’re doing. He's asking you to follow Him in faith. His grace will provide a way for you to accomplish His purpose. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Inevitably, at some point, we will be unsure about ourselves and feeling inadequate in our own power. All He needs is someone who is willing to step out in faith--even when we don’t know what we’re doing.

I want this same availability and willingness in someone I marry. I don’t want (nor do I expect) perfection in a man. I am fully aware that no one is perfect, and we have all sinned and fallen short. I want someone who knows and accepts that he’s incapable of being a good husband, provider or spiritual leader on His own. And yet he’s still willing to do it anyway because he knows that God’s grace is sufficient. I want a man who doesn’t have to have it all figured out before he takes the first step. I want someone who is willing to take it step by step and learn and grow in the Lord with me. If he had it all figured out, then there's no need for God.

After God gave me the vision of me dancing with Jesus, I asked God where my husband is in this picture. I couldn't see how any man could fit in to that perfect picture of Jesus and me on the dance floor. Every time, I would see a man try to cut in, or I would try to stop dancing with Jesus. It just wasn't working. Then He showed me--my husband is dancing with Jesus, too. He's right beside me, dancing with Jesus. The four of us, on the dance floor. Then I saw the two figures of Jesus converge into one, and at the same time, my husband converged with me. We literally became one person--one flesh. And as that one flesh, we danced with Jesus together. Pressed in to Him, loving Him, being one with each other and at the same time, being one with the Lord.

Mashed Potatoes

I’ve heard a saying that says something to the effect of “the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato.” It’s not the boiling water—the situation you are in—but rather what you’re made of that determines the outcome of that adversity. So when adversity comes, which will you be? An hardened egg or a softened potato?

Hopefully, we can all be potatoes. Imagine if you were that potato being boiled, though. You went through the pain of boiling water, and you’re now softened. But you’re still not ready to be eaten. So the Lord starts mashing you. It seems like it’s the worst pain in the world, and why would this happen after being redeemed from the boiling water? Getting mashed doesn’t sound like much fun at all. But He’s molding you into what He wants—a delectable culinary delight. He adds the milk and the butter, the salt and the pepper. He is creating something way better than what that potato was prior to the boiling—or even after the boiling. The key is to know that you’re being made into mashed potatoes and not sulk and cry, “Why?!?” when He’s mashing or adding a little texture and flavor to you. You just have to trust in Him that He knows what He’s cooking.

If I'm Gone

My dearest, sweetest Loves,

In the past two years, four parents of your friends have lost a parent. If I am gone too soon, please know it was not too soon. My time on this earth was up, and I am rejoicing in the heavens watching over you. I am patiently awaiting your arrival in heaven as well, when we will be reunited. Don't ever think of cutting your time on earth short. You have a destiny to fulfill, and that is to be completed whether I am on this earth or in it. Please know that God did not take me from you, nor did He do this to you. Each of us are given a purpose here on earth, and my purpose came to fruition.

The question you should be asking is not, "Why did this happen?" or even, "Why did God let this happen?" The question should be, "Why not?" Think about it. MY purpose was finished, and it was my time to ascend to the heavenly places to take my crown of jewels. So please do not be angry. Please do not become bitter. My ascension to heaven does not change who you are, who you were created to be, or your purpose here on earth. You must remember the things I have told you, the things that God has said about you. Read this blog over and over again every time that you feel sad. You can remember how much I love you. I love you so much, my heart aches. You are so precious and beautiful, my meager words here cannot do you or my love justice. As I write the words, tears are streaming down my face knowing that one day you will be reading these words, and I will not be there to cuddle you and comfort you. But rest assured that God will always comfort you. He is the Great Comforter. Lean not on your own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him. He will give you peace. He will be your refuge in times of need. And you will need refuge. You will need comfort.

To quote Pooh Bear, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know."

Fleeting Feelings

In our postmodernist society, we are inundated with media that tells us, "If it feels good, do it." We are told to indulge in whatever vices we desire--sex, drugs, alcohol, gluttony, whatever it may be. What's right for you may not be right for me. The only caveat we are given is to do no harm to others. Postmodernists believe that definite terms, boundaries, and absolute truth do not exist. They believe that truth is relative and truth is up to each individual to determine for him or herself. Therefore, postmodernists believe that no one has the authority to define truth or impose upon others his or her idea of moral right and wrong. Their self-rationalization of society and life then, becomes a moral relativism versus divine revelation. There can be no latter if there is only the former. This pervasive, persuasive, and perverse thinking can be seen in our movies, TV shows, news media, education system, government, and even our children.

This kind of relative morality directly contradicts the Bible. The Bible and God's truth is not relative—it is absolute, and it is never-changing. Malachi 3: 6 says, "I, the Lord, do not change." That puts it pretty plainly. But if that's not enough for you, Jesus also says in John 14:6 "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life." So if we use a little logic here, Jesus, the Lord, does not change, and neither does the Way, the Truth or the Life. None of it changes. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). He is the steadfast rock that is unwavering.

Feelings and emotions waver--they wax and wane; they are red-hot with passion one day, and cold as ice the next. Juliet had it right when she told Romeo, "O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon/That monthly changes in her circle orb/Lest that thy love prove likewise variable." She knew that feelings and emotions can be fleeting. As Christians, we don't get to rely on our feelings for our truth, but rather we must fully rely on God's Word and God's truth. We don't get to pick and choose which scriptures we "feel like" following.

So are we to ignore our feelings? Of course not. But we are to submit those feelings to the Holy Spirit prior to acting on them. The Bible tells us that our soul (mind, will, and emotions) is to be submitted to the Holy Spirit. So if we are Christians who submit our souls (including our feelings) to the Lord, then we must always look at our emotions in light of the Lord, the Truth and the Bible, and it isn't easy.

Even David, a man after God's own heart, had trouble submitting his soul to the Spirit. Psalm 103:1 says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!" This is the Psalmist speaking to his soul--to his mind, his will and his emotions--telling them to bless the Lord. He is submitting his soul to his spirit--His Spirit.

The bottom line is that it doesn't really matter how you feel. Feelings lie, and Satan can give you those feelings anyway. What matters is the Word of God, because in the Word of God is all Truth. When we use the Word of God as our yardstick to measure our lives, it is far more secure than using our ephemeral, ever-changing feelings.

Put in the Work

Several years ago, after my divorce, God promised me a home (as in one I could purchase for myself and my girls). So I started working my butt off to save money; I drove the bus whenever I could, and I started coaching to earn extra cash. We scrimped and saved. I did massive amounts of credit repair. Then I had to go house hunting. I had to write a $1,000 earnest money check. I had to put in a mortgage application. I had to sign the documents. I had to go get a really big cashier's check with all the money I had in the entire world. And in August, I bought my first new home as a single mom. God was the only way it could happen.

With this being said, God made me a promise of a home. But I had to do the work on myself first, then I had to actually put myself out there and go through the process of purchasing the home. God was with me every step of the way, guiding me, teaching me and showing me what to do. But He did not just drop a house in my lap. I didn't just keep praying more or harder for a house. I had to do WORK.

The same principle applies to relationships. So many times, we think that God will just drop a man in our laps. We think that God will just bring that person to us without us having to *do* a thing. It doesn't work that way. We have to prepare ourselves (credit repair), we have to look for Godly people to befriend (house-hunting) and put ourselves out there (apply for that mortgage—we could get denied!), and actually go through the process (which is scary!) in order to have that Godly relationship (home) we desire.

So stop thinking that a house or a mate will just arrive one day just because God gave you a promise. WORK the promise!

Satan's Attacks

Growing up, the adults in my life would tell me that I was a leader. Being young and naive, I would try to be a leader--I ran for class office, I tried to step up into other leadership roles at school, and I never won. Not once. My senior year, I was captain of the basketball team, but that was mainly because I was the best one on the team--not because of stellar leadership skills. I left high school thinking that the adults in my life were severely mislead about my abilities, and that I was most definitely not a leader. So that's how I led my life--that is until a couple years ago.

One of the singles pastors at church decided that I needed to lead a group. Obviously, I did not concur, but I bit the bullet and did it anyway. After that season, I was asked again to be a leader, then again. In May 2016, I got a call from my singles pastor. She asked me to lead the Single Parent Family Mission Trip to Mexico. I had not even really planned on going on that trip. I had been praying about whether to sign up or not, but I still wasn't sure that's what God wanted me to do. She told me that she wasn't able to go on the trip because of a scheduling conflict. She said that she was told to choose one man and one woman to lead the trip in her stead. My gut reaction was to say no. I am not anywhere near qualified to lead a group of people on a mission trip. I hesitated, then I heard myself say, "yes" to her. Over the next few months, I spent more time in prayer than I ever had in my life. I carefully sought the Lord in every plan that I made. My co-leader was the perfect person for me to lead with. He is a big-picture person, and I'm a details person. We worked perfectly together, and my confidence in my leadership abilities was feebly growing.

There were numerous setbacks and rough patches in the missions team as we prepared for the trip. I had to handle situations I had never had to handle before. I realized that dealing with people is messy business. I was in uncharted territory. My faith in my abilities was shaky at best, and I truly had to learn to lean on the Lord in every step I took. The mission trip itself was one of the most trying weeks of my life. Not only was is physically draining (hard work, heat and humidity, and I was suffering from altitude sickness), but it was spiritually draining. We were in an area of Mexico that was dark and Satan's handiwork was evident everywhere we turned. It was emotionally draining to be away from my children, and it took a toll on my emotions that I was the leader. In the midst of dealing with my own struggles, everyone turned to me with their issues as well. The last evening we were there, things were not going as planned. As is common with leading groups, some things were said about the trip and the activities that were quite hurtful to me. Those words shot through me like a dagger, and the meager confidence I had was shattered. I had to excuse myself, and I went to my room and cried. Not small tears streaming down my face crying, but boo-hooing ugly crying. I was hurt. I was mad. I was mad at God. I was mad at all the people who ever wanted to put me in a leadership role. I was mad that I was there. I was mad that I was supposed to be this leader that I was most decidedly not. I just knew that I knew it was another mistake, and that I was not supposed to be a leader.

That's when my roommate came in. She prayed with me and said these words to me, "Satan always attacks where your giftings are." It was a revelation to me, and it was God speaking through her. God showed me that Satan doesn't want me to be a leader. He came to kill, steal, and destroy. Why would Satan leave alone our gifts from God? It's a brilliant plan! If Satan can get us to believe that the gifts God gave us are indeed a curse, or that we (or God) is wrong about those gifts, then Satan wins. And he doesn't care how old we are. He starts in on those promises and gifts incredibly early.

When each of the girls were born, I asked the Lord for a word for each of them. For Mikayla, He told me that she has the mantle of leadership upon her, and for Macey, she is made to go beyond our borders and change the world with her hands. I don't know what that means exactly, but I know her hands are so important to her future. And I've always loved her hands--I've always admired them, and thought the way she moved them and her mannerisms were just so cute. However, Macey has always been a colossal klutz. She knocks over everything she touches; she spills every drink. The floor underneath where she eats is covered with little tidbits of food. She gets food all over herself: in her hair, on her clothes, in her shoes. She spills everything in the car. She will absent-mindedly tear up paper into little pieces and strew them across the floor. She breaks almost every toy she plays with, or at least ruins it beyond use. She's broken my iPad screen three times, and my iPhone screen twice. To put it succinctly: she's a destructive little tornado. As I was talking to my dad about it the other day, the Lord reminded me of my experience in Mexico and how Satan will always attack us where we are gifted. Then He plainly asked me, "Where are Macey's giftings?" And that was it--it's her hands. Satan has been attacking her to destroy her confidence in her hands. If she believes that she destroys everything she touches, she will never be able to fulfill her destiny and the promise God gave me for her.

So we lay in bed and talked about it. I told her that Satan will always attack us where we are gifted. I told her about God's promise to me about her. She cried, "But I'm so destructive!" I cried, too. She's already believing Satan's lie, and I have to make sure God's truth prevails. We kept talking about it for several more minutes, and I prayed over her. The tears dried, and we hugged and kissed. Macey goes in the kitchen, and Mikayla immediately gets on to her for something she had destroyed earlier in the day. Macey holds her hands out and responds with, "Why would you say that, Mikayla? I'm going to change the world with my hands, and I just found out!"

It will take a long time to undo just the seven years of damage Satan has done to Macey and her confidence in her abilities and her hands. I will have to change the way I talk to her, and I will have to speak life into her every day in regards to her gifts. But I have confidence and faith that God will prevail, and that Satan will never win. He will always attack us exactly where our giftings are, and he will make us feel as if our giftings are not real, or that God was wrong. We must always be alert to that, speak against it, and cover ourselves in the blood of Jesus Christ.