A chronicle of our lives. One day, maybe a book...

Friday, August 22, 2014

Robin Williams

My dearest girls, you are not old enough to know who Robin Williams is, or even understand right now what suicide is. Robin Williams was an actor and comedian who recently killed himself. He was in many movies that I watched as a child and into adulthood. The news and social media have covered his death extensively, and countless articles about his death and his life have been written in the past few days. He had battled depression his entire life, and few who were close to him were surprised that he took his own life.

Depression is defined as a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.

Yearly, 40,000 Americans kill themselves. Most have been diagnosed as depressed, and doctors and experts say that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Some blame it on biological differences, hormone imbalance or inherited traits. Pharmaceutical companies make billions of dollars every year on anti-depressant drugs. Many people who are depressed take these drugs, or they turn to alcohol or illicit drugs to help them manage the symptoms of sadness, loss, and disinterest. When depression takes over someone's mind, it can lead not only to drug abuse, but more drastic measures such as suicide.

Suicide is never the answer. Jesus is. I know that seems so simple, or that I am over-simplifying life. I know that there are times where life is hard, and everything seems to be going wrong. It seems like everyone is against you, and that you can't do anything right. There will always be difficult seasons in life. And even in the easier, more jubilant seasons, there are dark days.

Depression is simply this: a loss of identity. Someone who is depressed does not know or does not believe who they are or - more importantly - Whose they are.

If you are a Christian, then you believe what the Bible says. You can't pick and choose what you believe about the Bible. God says some wonderful things about YOU. The statements below are true of you.

I am accepted
John 1:12 - I am God’s child.
John 15:15 - As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1 - I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 - I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27 - I am a member of Christ’s body.
Ephesians 1:3-8 - I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14 - I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10 - I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16 - I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure
Romans 8:1-2 - I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 - I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39 - I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 - I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4 - I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 - I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20 - I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 - I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 - I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant
John 15:5 - I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 - I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16 - I am God’s temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 - I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6 - I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 - I am God’s workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 - I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

This is who you are. If you choose to believe this about yourself, then how could you be depressed at the same time? You can't. That doesn't mean you won't have bad days. It doesn't mean you won't cry because that boy broke your heart, that girl was so mean to you, you didn't make the team, or your effort just wasn't good enough. Those things will happen. Your heart will be broken, and you will cry. You will be sad, angry, depressed, or upset at times. But those desperate times do not define who you are, and you can't let it.

When you go back and look at the "reasons" for depression: chemical imbalance, biological differences, hormone imbalance, or inherited traits, you will see that all of those are impossible when you look at who God says you are. God created you in His image. God did not create you with a chemical or hormone imbalance. Re-read how He did create you. He didn't create you to be depressed or to believe the lies of Satan or the world. The world has searched for answers as to why people feel the way they do. None of the answers take into account who we are. Can Christians be depressed? Absolutely. But it's when we allow those feelings (and the Enemy) to overtake our hearts and minds that it becomes dangerous.

My dearest loves, always remember who you are and Whose you are. The Bible tells you these things. Believe them - not only in your mind, but also in your heart. There will you find Him. There you will find rest, and there you will find peace.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

God is Love

Both girls' birthdays have already passed, and it's hard to believe it's already so far into the year. For Macey's birthday, we had a family dinner at "Chick-Way" as she calls Chick-Fil-A, then we went down to The Woodlands to see La-La and her family. On Macey's actual birthday, we went to the Houston Zoo. We rode the train, and we got to feed the giraffes. The kids thought it was pretty cool. While we were down there, we went to the Houston Rodeo. For Mikayla's birthday, she chose to get an iPad instead of a party. I told her that if she really wanted an iPad for her birthday, I wouldn't be able to afford a party for her. I let her decide. At first, she was pretty upset at the thought of not having a birthday party. After much thought, she said, "Well, an iPad will last forever, but a party will only last for one day. So I want the iPad." I said ok. I ended up spending about the same amount on the iPad as I would have for a present, party, cake and favors. In addition, the stress-relief of not having a party was well worth it.

I've been going through a pretty dry season with my walk with the Lord. I have felt distant from Him, and I know it is from sin in my life. I haven't been obeying what he has been telling me. I have been stubborn, and I've been trying to do things on my own. Even though I know that God's way is the only way. Even after He rescued me after my divorce. I still want to do what I want to do. It has been the biggest struggle in my life. I've had to give up something that I really wanted. I knew that it wasn't God's best for me, but I wanted it so badly. I finally surrendered to God, and it has still been so hard. I've had to once again learn how to rely solely on God. He has to be my comfort and strength. He has to be my source of happiness and security.

I have to learn how to be loved by God. All my life, I've heard that God loves me. I've read about it in scripture. I've repeated it millions of times to Mikayla and Macey. What I've never been able to do, though, is really receive God's love. I don't even know how to receive God's love. In Mark 12:30, it tells us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." I'm not even sure how to do that. How can I love Him, when sometimes I don't feel it?

I've come to realize the answer is in allowing God to love me. When God looks at me, His heart smiles. I make him exceedingly joyful. He beams with pride when He looks upon my face. He melts from the inside when he thinks about my name. ME! He feels this for ME! When I think about how much He loves me, how can I not help but fall in love with Him?

I John 4:8 tells us that God is love. It's what He is. It's His state of being. How awesome is it that I am loved by Love Itself?

When I look at God this way, it makes it much easier to rest in Him and trust in Him that He is in control of my life. It makes it easier to believe that the things He tells me to give up - that I really want - aren't always what He wants for me.

God’s perfect plan for me was never for me to go through a divorce. His perfect plan for my life was to have an intimate relationship with Him. His perfect plan was for me to follow Him, put Him first in my life, and to never allow anything to come between our relationship.

Up until last year, I didn’t have that same plan. I had my own plan. I wanted to get married, have babies, and live the American dream. I was a Christian, but I was far from where God wanted me. I didn’t have much of a real relationship with Him.

When Adam left, I was devastated. The only place I knew to turn was up. God used this horrible, awful, heartbreaking experience to nudge me back to His plan for my life. So many times, we think that God’s plan for our life is scripted out. That we have to make all of the “right decisions.” I don’t believe that at all. I believe that God’s plan for our lives is to have an intimate relationship with Him. Everything else is just details.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Time is Tickin'

I know I usually begin most of my posts with something about how quickly time has passed. This time however, it's 2014. For real? How in the world is it already 2014?

Around Thanksgiving, Mikayla figured out the truth about Santa. It began in the beginning of November when Mikayla asked me about the Tooth Fairy, "So is the Tooth Fairy like Tinkerbell?"

The side of my mouth went up, and I cocked my head to the side, "Well..." I drew it out. "Not exactly."

My hesitation told Mikayla exactly what she needed to know. "So, it's really the mommies and daddies who leave the money under the pillow, isn't it?"

I nodded to confirm, hesitant she might be upset. She shrugged her shoulders and nonchalantly said, "Ok."

A few weeks later, the Santa conversation came.

"So, the Tooth Fairy isn't real. So what about Santa?" Mikayla inquired.

I gave her the same look as when she asked about the Tooth Fairy. I could see the wheels turning in her head. This was an epic moment that could shape how she views Christmas for years to come. I knew I had to delicately handle this question. One misstep could cause a flood of tears and absolute heartbreak in my precious 6-year-old.

"Well, Honey, Santa is as real as you want him to be," I said. I watched her as her nose scrunched up and she tilted her head. Her eyes shifted as she was figuring out what I meant.

"So..." she started. "Is he real?" I didn't audibly answer, but she could read the look on my face. "So, the mommies and daddies bring the presents?"

I studied her face, and innocent understanding washed over her face, almost a surprise curiosity could be seen behind her eyes. I nodded, then she said, "Oh."

She wasn't heartbroken, nor upset, nor even really fazed. I reminded her that, "As long as you believe in Santa, he will still bring you presents." She gave me a half-smile, squinted her eyes, and nodded knowingly.

For the rest of the Christmas season, it was like Santa was our little secret. We had to keep it secret from her friends, her sister and any other kids. Any time we would talk about Santa, or when we saw a mall-Santa, Mikayla would look at me sideways and put the back of her hand next to her mouth as if she were telling me a secret, then she would nod at me. She was wordlessly telling me that she knew the "secret" about Santa.

Since Mikayla found out Santa wasn't real, the next step was to realize that the Elf on the Shelf was indeed not real, either. I kept forgetting to move the Elf. I blamed it one morning on the fact Peppermint Angel didn't feel safe traveling in the icy weather. Mikayla put her fists on her hips, turned her head sideways, raised her eyebrows and said, "Um, it's because you forgot to move her."

There is never a shortage of funny and memorable things that Mikayla says. Headed home on Christmas Day, we notice there aren't many Christmas lights on the houses in our neighborhood. Mikayla says to me, "Mommy, to have the Christmas spirit, you need joy, faith, love, and a ladder: to put up Christmas lights!"

There's also no shortage of precious moments from MayMay. The other day, she grabs my face and cups it in her hands and says, "I love you, Momma." She absolutely melts my heart. When she cuddles on me, I tell her, "You have my heart." She will then respond, "You have my heart, too, Momma."

This winter, we've had some severe weather. We missed three days of school at the beginning of December because it iced over so badly. The wintry mix started on Thursday, Dec. 5. By the next day, there were several inches of solid ice covering everything. Temperatures were in the teens, and didn't get above freezing for several days. There was no way we could even get out of the house until Monday, and even then, it was still treacherous. We didn't return to school until Wednesday, and there was still ice on the roadways in the back yard. We also had more extremely cold temperatures this past weekend, when temperatures were in the teens and stayed around 25-27 during the day.

On Monday, the temperatures weren't supposed to get above 30, so I left the water dripping in each of the sinks. When I got home from school, I pulled up to the house and there was water seeping out of the garage. My first thought was that the hot water heater had busted. When I went in the garage, there was water everywhere, and as I walked in the house, water was covering the floor in the house. The sink in the girls' bathroom was on full-blast, and the water was overflowing on to the floor. I turned the water off and surveyed the damage. I took the girls across the street. Almost the entire house was flooded with at least an inch or more of water. The girls' rooms were soaked, the living room, dining room, kitchen, my bathroom, and my bedroom were soaked. The only room not affected was the front bedroom.

Obviously I was panicked. I called my parents, who came out immediately to help. The plumber came out right away, and he said it was a phenomenon known as "Hammer Pipe." He said that the pipe freezing and contracting caused pressure to build up and cause the faucet to come on full force. Add to that the fact the drain wasn't completely clear, it was a recipe for disaster. The guy who came out to remove the water said he estimated about 800 gallons of water were removed from the house. He had to pull all the padding from the carpet out, and then he placed industrial fans around the house to dry out the carpet. It took roughly five hours to remove the water and padding from the house.

The carpet guy brought over more fans for a total of 13, along with two industrial dehumidifiers. They had to run for a total of three days. I'm not looking forward to the water bill or electric bill this month!