Can't Stop the Pain

Several years ago, I broke my ankle at Hawaiian Falls. How I broke my ankle is horrifically embarrassing, and I will only tell close friends the actual story. Following the incident, I thought I was ok, even though I could hardly walk on it. The bottom line is that I'm cheap: I didn't want to pay money to go to the ER, and I didn't want to have to pay for a doctor's visit just for them to tell me everything is fine. Except it wasn't fine. Over the next few weeks, the pain increased, and I knew something was definitely wrong. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was told that a piece of my ankle bone had chipped off, and it had already started to fuse back together incorrectly. The only way to fix it was to have surgery. That was a big "nope" from me. There was no way I was paying money for surgery to fix a tiny chip on my ankle, and even then, there was no guarantee I would ever be pain-free.

This physically painful incident taught me much more than to just go ahead and go to the ER when I hurt myself. The lingering pain and the aches I feel when the weather changes taught me about what happens to us when we ignore not just our physical pain, but our emotional pain as well. When we hurt ourselves physically, we understand that there will be pain. We know that we need to go see a doctor and get stitches, bones set, or we may even need surgery. We understand that there is a healing process we must undertake to make our bodies whole again.

In the summer of '99, I nearly cut my left index finger off at the first knuckle joint. I immediately went to the ER (this time!) to get stitches. The pain of the lidocaine needle was worse than the steak knife that sliced through my tissue and tendons. I remember writhing in pain when the doctor crammed that needle into my wound. However, I understood this additional pain as part of the healing process. I didn't want to have to get the stitches--or the eventual surgery--but I wanted to be healed and put back together more than the ensuing pain. I had to endure the needle, the surgery, the rehab, so that I would heal properly. If I refused to take any of these steps, I would never regain the proper use of my index finger.

We understand the pain and healing process with our physical bodies, but most of us will do anything and everything to avoid the pain of emotional healing. Why should it be any different? When we experience emotional pain, we want it to go away at all costs. We turn to the bottle. We turn to pills. We turn to sex. We turn to porn. We turn to food. We turn to our phones. All of those things give us instant gratification--it makes us feel better in the moment. Each one of these things helps us take our minds off the emotional pain we are experiencing. Why in the world do we not think to go to the ER and the Doctor when we experience emotional pain? Stripping our hurts down to the bone is gut-wrenching--just like setting a broken bone. But we would all be more than willing to get a broken bone set. How many people would actually say, "Nah, Doc. I think I'll just let my tibia stay outside my shin the rest of my life. I can just cover it up with my pants, and it will feel better eventually"? That would be ludicrous.

The bottom line is that when we get hurt, it hurts even more to be healed. We have to be willing to feel the secondary hurt in order to heal. If we face our emotional pain in the same way we face our physical pain, imagine the healing that could take place in our souls! Our thought process must change from, "I'm hurt, so I want to feel better," to, "This is going to hurt to dig out all the pain, but it will be worth it so I can heal and actually be better." When we go to the Lord as our emotional doctor, and the Bible as our emotional ER, then we are able to be fully healed. When Isaiah writes in Isaiah 53:5 that "by His wounds, we are healed," why do we think it's only our physical healing? God is our Jehovah Rapha--the God who heals--there isn't a caveat that says "Sorry, only physical healing." He can heal anything--physical or emotional. So let Him, because we can't stop the pain on our own.

Believing isn't Enough

If you've been around children any amount of time, you know just how gullible and naïve they are. Kids will readily believe anything, simply because you tell them it's true. Eyes bulge in awe as they say, "Really?" wanting to know more. Prime examples are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. This child-like wonder fades the older we get, and we no longer take things at face value. We lose our innocence, and we start to question what we are told.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3 that we need to become child-like in our faith in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. We need to believe in the Lord without all the complications life throws at us, which is hard to do. We go through hurt and rejection. We lose those we love; we experience life. We realize that head-knowledge is not heart-knowledge. It becomes less easy to just believe in the Lord's goodness. Through the rollercoaster of life, this verse reminds us to believe and be saved. Just believe.

In Acts 16, it seems it is just that simple--believe. The jailers asked Paul and Silas what they must do to be saved, and in verse 31, Paul responds, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household." This verse makes it seem like the simple act of believing is all we need to do.

But it isn't quite so simple. It's not enough to simply believe. There are people who call themselves "Believers" instead of Christians. I get what they are trying to say--that they believe in Jesus; they believe in the gospel. They believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God who died for our sins. What I take issue with is that Satan was a "believer" too. He believed in Who Jesus was. He talked with Jesus in the desert. He knew (not merely believed) that Jesus is the King, the Holy One. Satan knows that Jesus tore the veil and conquered sin and grave.

So again, it is not enough to just believe. Going back to Matthew 18:3, Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." The key word there is "change," which in some versions, it is translated as "converted." Although in Acts 16, it doesn't specifically say the jailers were "converted" or "changed," their subsequent actions following their decision to believe make it clear there was a change of heart--they practically helped Paul and Silas get out of jail.

Romans 10:9 gives it to us a little more clearly: "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." This scripture is the crux of salvation, which is that in addition to believing, we must also declare that Jesus is Lord. This is where Satan's belief veers away from ours. He refuses to declare that Jesus is Lord, and he refuses to submit himself to the Lord. These are two things we must do in order to "convert" or "change." We have to declare that Jesus is Lord. We have to allow Him to rule and reign over our lives. When we do that, we will turn away from our sinful lives, and we will be able to fully believe in Jesus and all of the promises God has given us in His Word. Do more than believe.

Dating is a Struggle

Dating is a struggle. I know I'm not alone in that struggle, either. For many Christian singles, dating is just plain difficult--especially post-divorce. Dating in my teens and 20's was much more simple. We were young, wild and reckless. We didn't have mortgages and 401k's. There weren't the constraints of kids and carting them to and from practices, rehearsals, recitals and games. Nowadays, if he has kids too, that means trying to mesh both sets of kids' schedules. It means weaving 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends with 2nd and 4th weekend visitation schedules. It's just a logistical nightmare.

Logistics isn't the only thing that makes dating at this stage in life difficult. It's finding a person with whom we are compatible. Someone who enjoys the same things we do; someone whom we like being around, and someone who is emotionally healthy. We have all experienced hurt and rejection, and we are all on a different path to healing and forgiveness for those past pains. I've met many people who are perfectly happy wallowing in their own misery and have no intention of getting out. I had one man tell me that he could "never forgive his ex-wife" for what she had done, and another who said he could never forgive himself for what he had done. Some people are so bitter, angry and unwilling to forgive that it keeps them from fulfilling their God-given purpose. For others, a lack of identity could be keeping them single--or at least keeping them from finding a lasting, loving relationship. For others, it's just about waiting for God's timing.

I know I have forgiven the people in my past for what they have done, and I know I'm not bitter or angry. I have also forgiven myself for my part in the demise of my marriage and other failed relationships. God actually spoke to me recently about complete forgiveness, and I wrote about it. My struggles also have nothing to do with my identity. I know who I am in Christ. As I deny myself and take up my cross daily, I am growing ever closer to God in an intimate relationship with Him. I'm not saying I am perfect, and I'm definitely not saying that I don't have more work to do on myself. I know that there are still a lot of things in my life left to be culled out, and there are parts of me that God still needs to hone. 

With that being said, as I’ve been dating the last few years after my divorce, I've found it difficult to define what I actually want. I bounce between wanting to get married this summer to never wanting to get married again and everything in between. My ex-husband tore down my identity through emotional and verbal abuse, and I thought at many points in my marriage I was going crazy. I was so broken when we separated that the only place I had to turn was up. God has done a miraculous work in me, and the evidence of His hand on my life the past five years is clear. I most definitely am a new creation in Christ.

But do I truly want to be re-married? A part of me emphatically says, "Yes!" I want my children to see a Godly example of who a man should be, as well as what a Godly marriage should be. I want my "person." I want a shoulder to cry on, and I want to be able to be that for him, as well. I want someone to love and respect. I want to grow a deep, ever-lasting love that is only possible through a Christ-centered marriage. On the other hand, a part of me wants to focus on my kids. I'm so busy right now, I can't imagine adding a boyfriend or husband to my list of responsibilities. And I don't want to share my house with anyone--especially the bathroom. I don't want to move; I don't want to share. I enjoy being by myself without having to answer to anyone. And I really like the fact that we can eat cereal for dinner whenever I want to. 

This dichotomy, however, hasn't kept me from dating or meeting people. Over the past few years, God has put some amazing Christian men in my life to show me what a real man is supposed to be. Each man I’ve dated has had a couple of the qualities I eventually want in a husband. God has used each of these men to teach me something about men, about life and about myself. Steve was the smartest, funniest man I have ever met. He taught me how emotionally healthy adults are supposed to interact with one another. Ryan had the most gentle spirit, and was the most kind man I have ever met. He taught me that a man could be gentle as a lamb, yet strong as a lion at the same time. Fred had a relationship with the Lord unlike any man I have ever met. He knew the Lord's voice, and could impart to me the Lord's wisdom in the most loving way. Robert was secure yet vulnerable at the same time. He showed me his heart, and he saw me for who God created me to be. He spoke life into me when I needed it the most. 

The last guy I was talking to showed me that I deeply desire a Godly marriage. Going in to dating him, I was really questioning whether or not I even wanted to date anyone at all--much less get married any time in the near future. I just wasn't sure if I was up for the emotional investment it would take to create a relationship. I stepped into it with low expectations, but still hoping for the best. While we liked each other a lot, neither of us were truly invested in what we were doing, and it showed me what I truly desire. I really do want a man who is 100% all about me and is willing to put his heart on the line for me, or as the kids would say, that he's willing to risk it for the biscuit. 

The bottom line is you can’t discount dating or the struggles of dating. You have to look at every person you meet as a learning experience. Each one of the aforementioned men showed me something I desire--humor and intelligence, someone who is strong, yet gentle, someone who is secure, yet willing to be vulnerable. Someone who will not just show me his heart, but give it to me. Someone who can see me, know me and speak life into me. Every one of my dating "struggles," I choose to see as learning and growing opportunities. Because every "no" takes me one step closer to the "yes."

*names have been changed to protect the innocent. lol