Growing up, the adults in my life would tell me that I was a leader. Being young and naive, I would try to be a leader--I ran for class office, I tried to step up into other leadership roles at school, and I never won. Not once. My senior year, I was captain of the basketball team, but that was mainly because I was the best one on the team--not because of stellar leadership skills. I left high school thinking that the adults in my life were severely mislead about my abilities, and that I was most definitely not a leader. So that's how I led my life--that is until a couple years ago.
One of the singles pastors at church decided that I needed to lead a group. Obviously, I did not concur, but I bit the bullet and did it anyway. After that season, I was asked again to be a leader, then again. In May 2016, I got a call from my singles pastor. She asked me to lead the Single Parent Family Mission Trip to Mexico. I had not even really planned on going on that trip. I had been praying about whether to sign up or not, but I still wasn't sure that's what God wanted me to do. She told me that she wasn't able to go on the trip because of a scheduling conflict. She said that she was told to choose one man and one woman to lead the trip in her stead. My gut reaction was to say no. I am not anywhere near qualified to lead a group of people on a mission trip. I hesitated, then I heard myself say, "yes" to her. Over the next few months, I spent more time in prayer than I ever had in my life. I carefully sought the Lord in every plan that I made. My co-leader was the perfect person for me to lead with. He is a big-picture person, and I'm a details person. We worked perfectly together, and my confidence in my leadership abilities was feebly growing.
There were numerous setbacks and rough patches in the missions team as we prepared for the trip. I had to handle situations I had never had to handle before. I realized that dealing with people is messy business. I was in uncharted territory. My faith in my abilities was shaky at best, and I truly had to learn to lean on the Lord in every step I took. The mission trip itself was one of the most trying weeks of my life. Not only was is physically draining (hard work, heat and humidity, and I was suffering from altitude sickness), but it was spiritually draining. We were in an area of Mexico that was dark and Satan's handiwork was evident everywhere we turned. It was emotionally draining to be away from my children, and it took a toll on my emotions that I was the leader. In the midst of dealing with my own struggles, everyone turned to me with their issues as well. The last evening we were there, things were not going as planned. As is common with leading groups, some things were said about the trip and the activities that were quite hurtful to me. Those words shot through me like a dagger, and the meager confidence I had was shattered. I had to excuse myself, and I went to my room and cried. Not small tears streaming down my face crying, but boo-hooing ugly crying. I was hurt. I was mad. I was mad at God. I was mad at all the people who ever wanted to put me in a leadership role. I was mad that I was there. I was mad that I was supposed to be this leader that I was most decidedly not. I just knew that I knew it was another mistake, and that I was not supposed to be a leader.
That's when my roommate came in. She prayed with me and said these words to me, "Satan always attacks where your giftings are." It was a revelation to me, and it was God speaking through her. God showed me that Satan doesn't want me to be a leader. He came to kill, steal, and destroy. Why would Satan leave alone our gifts from God? It's a brilliant plan! If Satan can get us to believe that the gifts God gave us are indeed a curse, or that we (or God) is wrong about those gifts, then Satan wins. And he doesn't care how old we are. He starts in on those promises and gifts incredibly early.
When each of the girls were born, I asked the Lord for a word for each of them. For Mikayla, He told me that she has the mantle of leadership upon her, and for Macey, she is made to go beyond our borders and change the world with her hands. I don't know what that means exactly, but I know her hands are so important to her future. And I've always loved her hands--I've always admired them, and thought the way she moved them and her mannerisms were just so cute. However, Macey has always been a colossal klutz. She knocks over everything she touches; she spills every drink. The floor underneath where she eats is covered with little tidbits of food. She gets food all over herself: in her hair, on her clothes, in her shoes. She spills everything in the car. She will absent-mindedly tear up paper into little pieces and strew them across the floor. She breaks almost every toy she plays with, or at least ruins it beyond use. She's broken my iPad screen three times, and my iPhone screen twice. To put it succinctly: she's a destructive little tornado. As I was talking to my dad about it the other day, the Lord reminded me of my experience in Mexico and how Satan will always attack us where we are gifted. Then He plainly asked me, "Where are Macey's giftings?" And that was it--it's her hands. Satan has been attacking her to destroy her confidence in her hands. If she believes that she destroys everything she touches, she will never be able to fulfill her destiny and the promise God gave me for her.
So we lay in bed and talked about it. I told her that Satan will always attack us where we are gifted. I told her about God's promise to me about her. She cried, "But I'm so destructive!" I cried, too. She's already believing Satan's lie, and I have to make sure God's truth prevails. We kept talking about it for several more minutes, and I prayed over her. The tears dried, and we hugged and kissed. Macey goes in the kitchen, and Mikayla immediately gets on to her for something she had destroyed earlier in the day. Macey holds her hands out and responds with, "Why would you say that, Mikayla? I'm going to change the world with my hands, and I just found out!"
It will take a long time to undo just the seven years of damage Satan has done to Macey and her confidence in her abilities and her hands. I will have to change the way I talk to her, and I will have to speak life into her every day in regards to her gifts. But I have confidence and faith that God will prevail, and that Satan will never win. He will always attack us exactly where our giftings are, and he will make us feel as if our giftings are not real, or that God was wrong. We must always be alert to that, speak against it, and cover ourselves in the blood of Jesus Christ.
