When I was in college, the band Linkin Park released their first studio album, Hybrid Theory. One of my best friends and I couldn't wait until the band came to Texas so we could see them in concert. We drove two and a half hours to see them, and couldn't stop talking about the concert. We weaseled our way down to as close to the stage as the security guards would let us go without proper tickets. I can still see the sweat dripping down from Chester's frosted-tips to his temple. With their grungy guitar-heavy rock sound combined with Chester's scraggly voice and Mike's near rapping, the band was a perfect combination of all that I loved about 90's music. Most importantly, for the first time, there was a band who played music with lyrics that spoke to my soul. They talked about real-life issues like suicide, depression and rejection. Not thinly veiled allusions and artistic interpretation of lyrics. This wasn't scar tissue that I wish you saw, the world wasn't a vampire, and who really wants to destroy my sweater anyway?
These lyrics were straight-forward. They cut like a knife. "Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break." And I was at a time in my life that I was about to break.
I dealt with thoughts of suicide starting in my early teens. And I always thought I was alone. Thoughts of suicide only happened to people who are super screwed up. I wasn't super screwed up--I was only screwed up. I was a Christian, after all. I went to a Christian school. I had good parents. I had a good life. Why would I ever want to commit suicide? But those thoughts entered my mind frequently. Sometimes, I would be driving down the road, and I would think, "What if I just steered the car right over this bridge?" I was convinced I would die before I turned 21. I thought about shooting myself, hanging myself or cutting my wrists? Which would hurt the least? Which would make the least amount of mess? Pills. That's the ticket.
There was no one I could talk to; there was nowhere I could turn. I felt utterly alone, and I suffered in silence. Because no one else would ever understand why this middle class Christian girl would ever think about suicide. I was ugly. I was unloved. I felt like no one truly knew me. No one truly cared. No one would ever understand. It resulted in my drinking (a lot) and doing other things that are unbecoming of a young lady. Then came Linkin Park. All of a sudden, I realized I'm not alone. Chester and the band sang songs about suicide. They sang songs about real life. They sang about all the pressure there is to be perfect. "I kept everything inside, and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard." The pressure from society, the pressure from teachers, parents, relatives, everyone in your life. He talked about the walls closing in; he talked about real hurts--my hurts.
I felt like finally, there is someone else who feels the same way. And if the music is that popular, then maybe there are others out there who feel like me. It opened up conversations with friends, and it made me feel not quite so alone. It took much more than Linkin Park to pull me out of the drunken stupor of depression and into God's presence. But it was the first step. That's why Chester's suicide has affected me so greatly. He didn't have to die. There was a Way out of the pain. He believed the lies for one day too long.
No one can walk this journey for you. When you're in the midst of the lies, you can't hear the truth. Nothing anyone says really matters. It's you and your mind, your thoughts and Satan's lies versus God's Word. It's your choice which one you believe. And it is most definitely a choice. By not making a choice, you are choosing the former. To choose the latter, you must consciously say it out loud, "I reject the lies of Satan, I believe God's Word for my life."
In order to make the choice to believe God's Word, you have to know what God's Word says about you. That takes reading the Bible and choosing to take the time to read it. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to, "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." That means that EVERY thought that comes into our head must be taken to God's Word and be put to the litmus test of whether it is from God or not.
And this is where Satan is ever so tricky. Satan's lies to us always sound like they are coming from us--from our own mind. Satan's lies are always in first person. "I am ugly." "I am alone." "No one loves me." "I am worthless." Notice that his lies are not in second person saying "You". It would be much easier to identify Satan's lies if they were in second person as if Satan himself was talking to us. But he doesn't work that way. He gives us the lies as if they are coming from our own head (or heart), so they seem real.
God's Words to us are usually in second person. "You are loved." "You are worthy." "You are My child." Because they are coming from God our Father, Jesus our Bridegroom, and Holy Spirit, our Truth and Counselor. It's a lot harder to believe something when it seems to be coming from someone other than ourselves. But it is the Truth. Jesus is the Truth. And the Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth (John 16:13 NIV).
Walking through this broken world will never be easy. But it's our choice if we are going to be broken in the broken world. You are not defective because you have suicidal thoughts. There is nothing wrong with you because you feel this way, but you don't have to feel this way. In the end, it DOES even matter. You matter.
I agree with everything you said. I could replace you with myself in the story. I was 14 in 1999, and really got into them in 2001 while working out to them and Nickelback during soccer class at Boswell. - Brandon O'Mary
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